BLOg

11/26/24 ◦ IT IS TIME

Guess who’s going on tour?! (Actually, I’ve been on tour for a few months at time of posting this, but I had written this up way back in August). I moved here to NYC in 8/3/22, and almost 2 years to the day I booked my first musical theater contract.

How long did it take? So far in 2024, I attended 28 ECCs, (8 of which I received a callback of some sort [same-day, separate-day, or self-tape request]), 3 open calls (2 getting a callback), 2 initial self-tapes (neither of which got me an in-person audition), and 7 auditions through an agency appointment (1 received after going to the ECC, 6 of which I got a callback). And then a slew of random self-tape requests for commercial-type projects through MSA from which nothing came about. And I admit, I am extremely lucky to have been able to do so many auditions. Between being able use my savings and take time off work to attend them as well as being AGMA union and therefore guaranteed to be seen at every audition, I have the resources to give myself many opportunities.

During that time I booked a couple short-term projects like a DLNY cycle and a couple pre-pros/workshops, I performed a friend’s choreo for 2 shows, I performed my first season with a friend’s all-woman dance company, I ended up not getting a contract for a job I had previously booked, I started reaching the end of the savings I had been slowly chipping away at since I first moved here, and I was asked to take part in a couple projects (projects I was very much looking forward to) I will now have to unfortunately turn down.

How am I feeling? Excited, absolutely. But honestly extremely terrified. I’ve never done anything remotely musical theater (like how does one wear a mic?) so I don’t want to disappoint anyone with my ignorance and lack of experience, and also I really started to feel like I was building relationships with people in the city and getting my name and face out there to a point where things were on the precipice of happening. I just hope the people I’ve met won’t forget about me in the time I am gone.

But I am ready to start this next chapter in my career and I can’t wait to see how much I grow through this experience. Thank you to everyone who has every believed in me and fought for me and guided me along!

12/27/23 ◦ Closing out the year

so it’s been about a 16 months since i’ve moved to new york, and imma say things didn’t proceed quite as envisioned. my main reasoning for moving across the country was: #1 it was a change to force me out of my comfort zone, #2 it would answer that “what if…?” question, #3 it’s another contemporary dance mecca, and #4 many companies around the country/world will hold auditions in new york so it saves me the flights and hassle as compared to traveling from california

and in the beginning, things seemed to go along as to be expected; attended a few company auditions, made it to callbacks or didn’t, didn’t end up getting a contract. you know, typical struggling artist things. but as i attended these auditions or applied but didn’t get an audition, i started to notice what appeared to be a trend of companies looking for younger dancers. i had grown up in a time where companies deliberately stated in their audition notices “must have at least 2 years professional company experience,” but now i was auditioning against seniors not yet graduated from college. it was a bit disheartening to say the least, not to diminish their talent and skill.

so i started expanding my horizons and going to musical theater calls; something i had always kinda had in the back of my mind, but honestly never actually thought i would try. it really was one audition in particular that opened the door for me and showed me how much i had been missing. i attended a musical theater audition for a show that seemed like it would be a more contemporary-style of dance rather than musical theater-style, and i made it quite far. and in the process i learned how i had resources at my disposal that made attending theater auditions significantly easier for me than many of my friends. back in 2015 or something, i was part of the san diego opera’s nixon in china cast and got my AGMA card (basically SAG-AFTRA but for opera). having this card guaranteed i would be seen for musical theater auditions vs. my friends without who had to line up at 5am and sign up on a list the auditioners might not even watch. once i saw how lucky i was, i started to attend almost every audition i could, even for shows i wasn’t really interested in. but i wanted the experience so when a show i did like came along, i would be ready and in my best form. and i met so many amazing people at these auditions and got to try so many different styles of dance between the numerous choreographers. and it highlighted how much more seriously i could have been taking my vocal lessons. that is what’s really preventing me from moving to the next step, i think.

this past 2023 has been mostly that: auditions auditions auditions. i have most definitely booked a few jobs for which i’m eternally grateful. a couple rounds with dance lab nyc (which subsequently got me my agents at msa thanks to a very kind and generous casting agent i met through the job), a few workshop projects, a short fundraiser performance gig here, a music video there, and currently and perhaps my biggest achievement of the year, this current contract with company xiv in their annual nutcracker rouge show (who would’ve thought i’d be doing burlesque?). as you can see, while i had certain intentions in moving to new york, being open and courageous has led me down a different path. one that i’m enjoying. at least for now.

08/25/22 ◦ NEW STATE OF MIND

i’ve moved to new york city. it’s funny, because in the past i always said i would only move here if i had a job that took me here, and yet here i am. jobless. in new york. honestly, it was something i had always wondered in the back of my mind since freshman year of college: “what would be different if i lived in new york?”

so i finally took the jump and uprooted my life, leaving behind my family (although luckily my sister lives here), my jobs (all 4, but i’ll be transferring my retail job to here), and my stuff (only brought about 3 suitcases-worth …for now). i was getting sick of that feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction at home, because i did have a comfortable life in the oc and i shouldn’t feel that way. but that nagging question kept me from fully feeling realized as a human and dancer. who knows if it was the right decision, but at least i made A decision, which is saying a lot for me. and to ease my very real and very persistent anxiety, i’m giving myself a 1-year timeframe. so i can constantly reassure myself that if it all sucks, i only have to survive a year to feel like i tried and then i can move back home with no regrets.

but maybe it will all work out in this year…

10/24/21 ◦ What’s new

14 months have passed since my last update, and things have happened, but i’ve never been a good journal-er. here’s a lowdown of what’s been going on in the life of ellen:

• healing - foot is fully healed! huzzah!

• performing - while in-person inside theater performances are still slow to pick back up, i have been lucky to still have the opportunity to perform. in may, backhausdance had an outdoor evening concert performance with live accompaniment from members of the orange county pacific symphony orchestra. live music is a special addition and working with such professionals made it that much more fulfilling. backhaus has also created a few different video projects in which i was selected to take part. the quarantine forced the company to find new ways to connect with our support and audience, and in the process i improved my performing-for-film skills. as for clairobscur (currently undergoing a rebrand to Laurie Sefton Creates), we essentially took the year off, with the exception of a couple sporadic film projects, to help save up money to use for once theater performances are available again. because of that, we are now able to prepare for a residency for a new creation to be performed next month.

• commercial work - while i am open and willing to do commercial work (as opposed to the concert/company work i usually do), i don’t actively seek it out as it requires a mindset and schedule availability i don’t typically have. but i recently was hired to dance in the filming of a music video, and the whole process was such a ride. the cinematographer from dave kreuning’s music video i did over 2 years ago contacted me to see if i was free to do this music video, and thanks to some rescheduling, i could. similar to the “ruptured” filming, this job was full of amazing artists and a really open and stress-free atmosphere. and this job reinforced the whole “dance world is small” notion and “don’t burn any bridges.” i got the job thanks to a person from a previous job; if i had done poorly or had a bad attitude, you can bet i wouldn’t have been approached for this project. also, thanks to my attitude outside of the dance world, i was able to make the scheduling work. i try to bring the same level of commitment and focus to my retail job as i do any dance job, and as a result, my managers/bosses are more willing to work with me. my addition to the music video project was a bit last-minute (i had a week’s notice), which unfortunately meant i had not gotten the appropriate time off. but my managers adjusted my shift and even let me leave early so i wouldn’t have to completely call-out and be penalized. the scheduling was the one stressful aspect of the entire job, and it ended up being a non-issue. i have so many people to thank for this job coming to fruition (caroline mariko stucky from remembering me and recommending me for the job, my store manager in charge of scheduling who rearranged my shift for me, the music video producer for answering my numerous questions and giving me a second chance when i thought i couldn’t make my schedule work, the whole staff for making the filming process so pain-free, and so many others).

• social media - i have always had mixed feelings about the role of social media in professional dance. when it comes to the concert world, it’s mainly used to help advertise. but in the commercial world, social media can play a much larger role, starting with just getting a job. i experienced that to a degree with this music video job. the cinematographer who recommended me for the job contacted me via instagram, the director saw video clips of my dancing on my instagram and enjoyed my movement style so much she subsequently pushed for me to be hired as opposed to another dancer with the initial schedule availability, and the choreographer who also saw my instagram videos had a better idea of my style and was able to use that to speed up the music video choreographic process. i’ve definitely been exposed to the pros of social media.

• personal challenge - and on the note of social media, i’ve taken it upon myself to post one dance improvisation video a month. while i enjoy improvising, i’ve always been self conscious and forcing myself to post a video each month of an improvisation pushes me to practice it more and be comfortable with sharing it in a very public way. i’ve learned a lot about myself through this process. and it helped with the music video job, so it has so far been a positive challenge.

much more has happened since my last blog post, but that is the jist of it. see you in another 14 months. lol

6/16/20 ◦ well, this is different

to put it generally, it’s been a rough year for a few reasons.

COVID-19

ok, so, this has not been great for anyone. but it has hopefully brought attention to the importance of supporting the arts (among other things). people stuck in quarantine have had to find outlets to release their fear and tension and boredom, and many have turned to various forms of creativity. listening to music helps relax, watching movies and tv shows help pass the time, crafts are especially useful in keeping young ones occupied. the arts have value, and in a society where they are often under-appreciated and belittled, perhaps now those with power and influence will see and support. the arts are often first to be cut from any budget and are usually under-funded at best. with the shutdown, all types companies are negatively affected. but let’s face it, when things pick up again we know people will jump to go shopping or to amusement parks, travel, eat out. how many are going to spend their damaged income to go to watch a ballet performance, or an opera, or a music concert? even going to the movies or to see a broadway show (two of the more “popular” forms of art if i may say at the fear of sounding broad and a bit pretentious) will lose some of its appeal. the arts are going to have a very rough time recovering from this world-wide devastation. 2019/2020 seasons were cut short, and for some companies, like the ones i dance with, the spring was a major source of income. and the future is so uncertain that simply sticking to the previous status quo is tentative let alone making up the money lost from this spring. we need people to step up to the plate and do more than just use the arts when they deem it necessary and discard it when convenient. all this time has been spent relying on the arts to help us get through these past months. people must understand its significance! but i’m a realist bordering on pessimist; i doubt anything will change. the arts will have to stumble along, trying to keep afloat with little assistance.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

how can such an unassuming phrase lead to so much discourse?! there is nothing to argue! IT SHOULD BE A GIVEN. the fact that the black community has had to fight so hard for so long to receive the respect it rightfully deserves is a shame. and as a non-black person, i have to acknowledge my ignorance and negligence as part of the problem. even if i am not out-right contributing to any form of discrimination, just by being a part of a society where it is prevalent means i have failed. and i know i have done more than just not be discriminatory. i have failed to speak up and speak out. i have been a coward and i have been lazy. i don’t attend rallies but instead hide behind friends who are more forthcoming and active. i let others tell me how to think and feel about important issues rather than looking things up and educating myself. i am trying to be better, but it should not have taken me this long. and as much as i love my arts community, i know we have so much further to go. i can really only speak about my view from dance when it comes to the arts, but dance is not untouched by bias. at its core, training in dance is a luxury; it requires time, money, and transportation. a quality dance education needs a commitment from both the student as well as the parent(s), and unfortunately for many, it is too much. there is a tuition that needs to be paid, proper attire that needs to be bought, a form of transportation to and from the studio that requires time out of what is already a caretaker’s busy schedule, and all for a “hobby” or towards a career with little hope for significant monetary gain. from the start, dance is not welcoming to the underprivileged. and not to say all black people are underprivileged or can’t see the value in a training in the arts (the history of dance has MUCH to thank the black community for), but it definitely caters to a more privileged group. and different forms of dance have different discriminatory ideals. the ballet world is notoriously biased against the black body. it holds an elitist view that can be easily seen in the fact that ballet tights and shoes are most commonly pink, a color more closely related to the skin tone of a white dancer than a black dancer. and while certain forms of dance often neglect the black community, the black community must also face exorbitant amounts of dance reappropriation. from the lindy hop to hip hop to more current tik tok dance phenomenons, black dancers and choreographers often are subjected to their styles and ideas being taken and repurposed by whites or other non-black people with little to no credit. we must be better, and with so far to go, we must start now.

ON INJURIES

not to take away from any of the important universal issues above, but on a more personal note, i’m healing/healed from a broken foot. back in november of 2019, i fell victim to what is referred to as the “dancer’s fracture” or a fracture around the base of the fifth metatarsal (middle of the foot on the pinky toe side). luckily it happened just next to where it would have required surgery so i was spared that experience. instead, i was subjected to a week in a boot, another couple on crutches, and then months of physical therapy. i was lucky. however, it did force me to withdraw from one performance and seriously alter my role in another. this was my first major injury ever, and i was compelled to take a second look at my life. a dance career can be extensive and fulfilling. it can also be fleeting, abruptly ending in seconds. my injury was a spontaneous and accidental flubb. it was an unfortunate culmination of many variables. it means it could happen again or to anyone and is, in many ways, unpreventable. i was forced to the sidelines as i healed, watching my friends take over my dance parts in preparation for performances i could not appropriately execute. i tried to be optimistic and light-hearted, but i was devastated. i of course understood that the show must go on and didn’t blame or fault anyone, but it felt like “my” roles were being taken from me. never before had i really ever been forced to stop dancing. any time off before was temporary or on purpose, but never have i not had the option for such an extended amount of time. i was hopeful for a week after the accident, but quickly realized the severity of it all. you really get knocked down a few pegs when you can no longer simultaneously walk and carry something (who knew crutches were so consuming?) and you’re forced to sit as you try to explain dance moves to someone else. but in having to teach others my roles, i saw how much i neglected in my own dancing. they say you don’t really know something until you can teach it, and i came to realize how little i knew of “my” roles and how much more i could do. i had become too comfortable with them. i settled for what i had, and stopped pursuing better. and watching choreography from the outside gave me a better appreciation for my part as but a piece of the whole. now when i get back into rehearsals, i will have a new-found appreciation and drive, and i have sitting out to thank for that. i also came to realize the advantages dance afforded me in everyday life. because of my training, there are so many small things that are easier for me than others, even when injured. i remember when my family went to disneyland and we had 5min to get from one side of the park to the other and my coordination and strength built up through dance allowed me to crutch quickly and efficiently, making my aunts and uncles have to jog to keep up with me. and once i had healed a bit, people would watch me, impressed, as i hopped around distances on one foot because i often found it easier than using crutches. my flexibility allowed me to easily and comfortably elevate my foot while standing, because i could prop it up on a counter. dance gave me the injury, but it also gave me an easier time of handling it. and let’s just say i also have a new appreciation for physical therapists who understand the needs of dancers. because just being able to run and hop around a bit isn’t enough. these months of recovery have taught me much. this injury has shown me fear, as i still have yet to really push the limits to avoid re-injuring it; it has shown me weakness, because never have i had to so rely on others for help or understanding; it has shown me self-doubt, as i question if i will ever be the same; it has shown me conceit, making visible the complacency i developed in my performance; and it has shown me appreciation and made me thankful for everything i take for granted. and weird silver lining, but the quarantine probably is actually a good thing for me because now i can do nothing but let my foot heal.

this was a verbose blog post, but a lot has happened since my last. and really, who knows how much if any of these are actually read.

10/1/19 ◦ BACK AT IT

this year was the first year in a while where my summer was too long. both companies for whom i dance (backhausdance and clairobscur) decided to start their 2019/2020 season later than previously, resulting in my summer lasting from about may until october (with a couple engagements along the way, including the poland performance and teaching at the backhausdance summer intensive). i wish i could say i was good about staying busy and in shape and learning, but after my return from berlin i was pretty lazy. i’m the type of person that needs structure and commitments. i do not have good self-control; i can easily stay in bed all day if allowed. i’m rather disappointed in myself, because i had hoped to use the momentum from berlin to motivate me toward being a more exploratory dancer, but after having to take care of a dead car battery and then later on pay $400 when my car was towed (on a separate occasion), i basically did not want to have to deal with driving or paying for more things. now that i feel back on track in terms of my savings and my schedule is starting to regulate with backhausdance rehearsals, i hope to pick up some more/new classes and push myself. but we’ll see. here’s to putting in out into the universe and hoping i follow through.

7/23/19 ◦ Summer in europe

this summer marked my first foray into the world of european dance. i had been interested in experiencing the differences for a while now, but never had the courage and/or reason to travel overseas. thanks to a performance with clairobscur dance in poland for the zawirowania international dance theatre festival, i had free ticket to poland. and then by sheer fate, a couple days after our performance, a dance workshop festival was scheduled to start in berlin. obviously i had to attend. both legs of my europe trip included new experiences both pleasant and regretful.

let me say this about the poland trip, the cheapest flight seems like a good idea, but not always. i’ve seen some company members at their most frustrated now, which perhaps brought us closer together. hahaha. and then the performance itself was… interesting. it’s hard to rehearse thinking you’ll be on a large stage only to show up to tech and realize it is a tiny tiny tiny black box theater. the show went fine, but there was a lot of avoiding various body parts and adjusting of directions. i mean, we made it work.

and then part two of my europe trip included participating in this amazing workshop festival in berlin. if you are a professional modern dancer or are looking to become one, i highly recommend you look into b12, especially if you’re from the states. the range of teachers and choreographers they have giving workshops is astounding, most of whom you’d never be able to take from back in america. i learned how prevalent theater is in european dance, and now can say i have a bit of dance theater training under my belt (a very small bit), and i look forward to further exploring the genre. i took improv/floorwork/acting from luke murphy, contact improvisation from lewis wilkins, the quickest movement study (puzzle work) from anton lachky, and dance theater/flying monkey from hannes langolf. i also was able to participate in hannes langolf’s choreographic creation “horses/courses” as a workshop, and it was intriguing to participate in both his regular movement workshop as well as his choreographic workshop; i was able to experience two different, but cohesive sides of him. with him, we also worked a lot on using the voice, which is not common in american dance i would say. it was nerve-racking, but thanks to the environment and rapport he created with us and us to each other, i was able to overcome my self-consciousness quickly.

i hope to save up enough money to very soon return to berlin and/or other parts of europe to learn even more. although, i’m not sure if i’ll hostel it again. staying there for a month might have been too long a period of time to be comfortable. especially when you have loud snorers in your room.

the following video is taken from anton lachky’s workshop in berlin. his movement style, puzzle work, involves moving every body part as quickly and clearly as possible. i didn’t know i could move this fast… although the way my body felt afterwards, i don’t know if it will happen again any time soon.

5/25/19 ◦ season endings and music videos

backhausdance finished their 16th season last night with our performance at the irvine barclay theatre. although there were periods of frustration and stress due to time constraints, i think the end product was beautiful and so worth it. jenny backhaus’s new piece, “one continuous line” was a joy to perform as it was light-hearted and let us be ourselves in the movement. being able to perform walter matteini’s (made with ina broeckx) “beyond the noise” from last season again was a thrill; it’s always a bit of a letdown to rehearse a piece for months and really put your heart into it only to perform it once. and finally, dwight rhoden’s “scene unseen” came through to be a jam-packed and technical piece i like to think i did proud. each dance was so different in style, emotion, and technique that the entire concert was such a wonderful challenge to perform.

and then today! dave keuning released the music video for his song “ruptured” from his newest album prismism. we filmed this back in september at the wheelhouse, one of huell howser’s homes (shoutout to all my other california’s gold fans). stunning design. my favorite room (weird thing to highlight but it is what it is) was the sun room in which i filmed. the doors were beautiful. this was such a fun project, and i’m so thankful samantha sobash hit me up to be a part of it even though we hadn’t seen each other since she graduated from chapman university the year before me. side note, don’t burn any bridges because the dance world is small. and the fact i was able to work on this with another fellow alum and “dance twin” alisa guardiola, goals. i don’t think i’ll be on such a relaxed and calm shoot ever again, so i’m especially grateful to everyone. be sure to check out the finished video on youtube (i’ve also posted it on my media page)!

4/24/19 ◦ I’m going to poland and berlin!!

contracts are signed, tickets are purchased, deposits are deposited, it’s official! this summer i will be traveling to europe for the first time!

at the end of june, i will be touring with clairobscur dance to poland. this marks the first international dance tour of which i have ever been a part, and it is exactly what i want to be doing; dancing in a contemporary company that tours internationally. i am so thankful to be a part of this company at a time when this is possible. we will be performing a piece originally premiered in 2018 choreographed by our company director, laurie sefton.

then immediately after our performance in poland, i will be traveling to berlin to attend a summer workshop series called b12. it’s a contemporary dance/performance art festival that attracts dancers and creators from around the world. i’m thrilled to be able to meet and work with dancers from everywhere. i hope to make many new connections and really learn A LOT. i’ve signed up for workshops with people whom i have never worked with before, so this could be really influential on how i move once i’m finished. and i hope it is. i picture myself as not necessarily a completely new dancer once done, but hopefully i will be a more mature and capable dancer and performer.

the only other time i have traveled internationally was to montreal in 2014, so i’m simultaneously extremely excited and anxious about this upcoming summer. dance in europe is well spoken of and celebrated, so i’m trying to not place too much pressure on myself and have unnecessary expectations about what will happen.

3/24/19 ◦ our days with dwight rhoden

these past couple weeks i have had the great fortune of working with renown choreographer, dwight rhoden of complexions contemporary ballet. creating a new work on a group of dancers whom most you’ve never met is always a challenge, for both the dancers and the choreographer. i am happy to say my experience with mr. rhoden was one of the best of which i have been a part. despite dwight rhoden’s personal company being a contemporary ballet company whereas backhausdance is not (think more floorwork and less pointework), i felt he was able to connect to our style and training to bring out a new side of us. the process was both intensely challenging and extremely rewarding; i could see a growth in my range as a professional dancer.
…and let’s be real, my arabesque hasn’t felt this good since my bunhead days of early 2009.

i am excited to premiere this piece on may 22 as one of three works shown by backhausdance at the irvine barclay theatre.